Posted in Life Adventures

Some Hard Truths

For the last few weeks (months if I’m going to being entirely honest) I have been struggling. I have started posts and then trashed them. I’m making this one stick.

This week I was forced to face some hard truths.

1 – I am still in mourning from the passing of my dear friend and Mentor, Aarjaun. Since she passed away at the end of January I threw myself into everything, so long as I didn’t have to feel my own emotions, and so long as I didn’t have to stop and think too much. Anything can be justified if given half a chance.
2 – I’m allowed to mourn and still enjoy the wonderful things in my life. I can appreciate all the good things, all the amazing people I have in my life, both old and new. I can also allow myself to be sad, to miss my friend, and to be overwhelmed by the good as much as overwhelmed when things are bad.
3 – I am not the robot I have tried to be. The wall I’ve put up around my feelings now has fissures and it’s time to let it crumble.
4 – I have worth, whether I am writing and contributing or not. I am enough as me, and I am allowed to say no … to myself as well as to others.

These truths were brutal and hard to face, and while I’ve half faced them for a few weeks, it was with the hopes they would run and hide once again. But coping mechanisms only work in the short term it seems.
I have always been an advocate for prioritising mental health, but I have not always been so good at following my own advice. Sound familiar?
I want to be a better role model of this for my son. Not because I think I’m supposed to, but because I want him not to have to fight the stigma in our home. I want to be transparent because I believe transparency about mental health is one of the key ingredients of destigmatizing it.

Now, I’m working on ways to ensure that I’m actively trying to help myself with these things.

1 – Allow myself to feel the absence of Aarjaun. I miss baths, which I have been avoiding because of that very thing. I think I might go have a bath tonight.
2 – Let those wonderful people in my life know that the good things don’t take away the pain, nor does the pain minimise the good things … did you read that? Look at me telling the wonderful people already 🙂
3 – Instead of taking that deep breath and burying the feelings, adding another brick on the wall, I’m going to (try to) say the words, I am hurting.
4 – I recently made a writing schedule. It was forcing me to be too busy. So no, I will not be following that schedule, I will be amending it to allow for more quiet time, more me time.

If you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading. If it helps you in anyway, I’m even more excited.

Be Safe
Be Brave
Be Kind

Neen

Posted in Writing Adventures

Pivoting, Saying No, and knowing that’s OK

Pivoting … I had never heard it in relation to writing until quite recently. A lot of writers and podcasts I listen to, The Creative Penn, Lesbians Who Write, and Writing excuses are the top three, often discuss this need to be able to pivot.

Recently a lot has been happening. A lot of changes, both good and bad, and a lot of things moving forward in my writing Career. I’m sitting here smiling with a happy shiver just thinking that. My Writing Career. It’s exciting, and thrilling. It’s a surreal feeling but I know that I really am on the path I want to be on. So, why am I also feeling that heat in my chest, that first sign of my anxiety sneaking over that wall, with a too happy and cheeky smile?

Am I ungrateful for wanting to stop the runaway train? Am I not cut out for the long road? No.

It’s quite a normal response, so I’m told. And the more I examine my own thoughts and reasonings the more I know that no, I am extremely grateful and I am always learning and still have that yearning to keep going, in my own time and pace. I am cut out for the long road, because I say so, and I am doing so with my actions.

What I’m learning is how to prioritise, breathe, and discover the benefits of that pesky little virtue called patience. I know I am feeling overwhelmed, I am beginning to recognise the early signs and not wait until I have a melt down. It’s still a juggling act, balancing pushing myself out of my comfort zones, while also making sure that everything is doable.

For me, the long road means I don’t need to do everything all at once. I can slow down on anything moving too fast, I can put things on hold, and when opportunities arise, I don’t have to always or automatically say yes. No has a power all of it’s own. And while I remember feeling that sense of fear, that if I said no, that would be it. No more chances or opportunities. It’s not true.

If you are having doubts, feeling rushed, pushed, or on a runaway freight train it is OK to stop. It is ok to take a step back, and there is a great power in learning to pivot. If you are gnawing on your fingernails, worried about having to say yes to every opportunity remember, not all opportunities are the right thing for every person. Give yourself the permission to run your own path, and go at your own pace.

That’s my work in progress on myself.

Be Safe
Be Kind
Be Brave