Posted in Reading Adventures, Writing Adventures

The Great Pretender (Fighting the Impostor Syndrome)

I originally posted this March 28 2019, a lot has happened since then but many of the sentiments remain the same.

Because it feels like the universe is not so subtly nudging me in to addressing my own issue of being an impostor, I have feel the need to write about this. As a side note: I don’t believe in the concept of fate. I prefer to channel Kyle Reese/Sarah Connor ‘There is no fate, but what we make ourselves’. So I’m taking the hints and deciding to do something about it.
There things have happened within the last week or so that have made me pay more attention. So I’m trying to address it so I can move forward.

1. I read about perfection and it’s perils
I read a post called ‘The Perils of Perfectionism’ by Sam Brown and for the first time a big loud pompous gong went off inside of me. It’s a fantastic post about how striving for perfect creates fear. If highly recommend having a little looksie here.
I have carried fear around a lot in my life, and far too often the mean little bitch has taken the wheel. It will be a work in progress, I have no illusions about that, but I figure I have to start saying no, and take that wheel back.
2. Talking about my doubts.

Recently I was talking to a fellow writer from one of my writing groups about my own impostor syndrome. What I explained to her is that I find myself putting those thoughts in to the drivers seat (yep, liking this analogy) without always realising I am doing it. I quite often catch myself humming or singing The Platters song ‘The Great Pretender’ (Queen’s version) to myself because I am constantly feeling like a fraud. Strutting sometimes occurs as well, as it should when one sings Queen.

3. Reading
I’m reading this book called ‘What Would Boudicca Do?’. I’ve had to take off my own self critical hat of ‘I’m stupid, I know nothing about so many of these women from history’ to saying ‘look at all this amazing history I am learning from this book.’ For me, books are all about learning. Even if that lesson is something as beautiful as learning to turn off, stop, breath and enjoy another person’s craft. But, books that I adore can both intimidate and inspire the writer within. ‘What would Boudicca do?’, while not what I thought it would be, has really made me stop and think about so many things. The chapters are small little bite size nuggets of women from history and what lessons we can learn from them. When I came across the chapter ‘the impostor syndrome.’ I swear I could feel my body trying desperately to shrink into herself, hide inside her shell and take refuge in becoming the furniture.
That evil little voice inside started piping up ‘yep, they are talking about you. You’re about to get busted!’
I had been devouring the book, when suddenly for two days I found every reason to be too busy to pick it up.
I finally gave in. It is an interesting chapter, that took a bit of a different angle with the inspired female from history then I would have expected. And even though it is encouraging in it’s not entirely unique take on the idea that those that have the syndrome are more likely to actually be good at what they are doing as opposed to those overly cocky, I still feel as though at any minute I’m going to be found out. Ah the impostor syndrome even rears her head when reading about the impostor syndrome. She’s a strong little bugger.
So, it really is time to stop letting it stop me, it’s time to start fighting back. I am not a pretender, but a learner. I’m learning to overcome it and I’m learning more about my craft. It’s not a small thing to simply overcome but I am taking steps in exposing my writing and getting feedback, real feedback. Because as they say, you are your own worst critic.

Well that was an interesting read. I have come so much further than I dared to hope when I orignally wrote that.

The impostor syndrome still raises her insidious head, but I have an amazing tribe of friends and writers and I talk about the snarky little bitch and she goes and scurries into the back seat, like most bullies.

In these crazy times, be extra kind to yourself and reach out if that doubting voice tries to yell over you.

Be Safe
Be Brave
Be Kind

Posted in Book Club, Life Adventures, Reading Adventures, Writing Adventures

Well that was a week

I’m not sure anyone really expected life to suddenly become perfect but I’m almost certain no one thought 2020 was a shocking calm before the storm. And perhaps it is neither extreme but this first week of 2021 has certainly thrown a spanned in the works.

I don’t want to go into the world at large thing, because we all know the dumpster fire has followed us into the New Year. Locally, we are in a sudden 3 day lockdown, which sounds minimal but I’m not delusional enough to think that after three days life will be great again. Nor will I be shocked if the lockdown is extended, again and again.

On a personal note, things have been a bit rough as well.

Three of the most influential and important women in my life are in dire situations with their health (mum if you are reading this, you are NOT allowed to get sick) one has even been given the devastating prognosis of approximately 6 weeks.

Last night when I learned this I sobbed into my partners shoulder and felt a crushing pain in my chest. I cried myself to sleep and have woken sadden but aware that if I were to let this stop me grabbing everyday and doing what I can with it, she would not only kick my arse but damn what a disrespect that would be. The sadness remains but along with that, I have the memories and light of her being in my life.

So what has 2021 offered so far to help light the rough days ahead. I have finally got this blog up and running properly and have my website good to go. I am working on finally getting my newsletter happening, and I’m so excited about it. I have a short story I am itching to give away to all subscribers and have the most beautiful cover made by the incredibly talented Pamela Jeffs. Her writing is mind blowing and her cover designs (a hobby she says) are truly stunning.

Reading:
I’ve embarked on a very optimistic goodreads reading challenge for 2021 of 100 books. Last year I managed 61 in the end and thought that incredible, but what’s a challenge if you aren’t pushing yourself beyond what you already know you can do.
In these 100 books I’m also working on the Sapphic Reading Challenge 2021 created by the incredibly awesome and talented Jae.

https://jae-fiction.com/sapphic-reading-challenge-2021/

I’m aiming for the dragon level 1 badge (1 book from each 50 categories) AND the bonus unicorn badge (10 of the 12 category). If you want to up your reading challenge and embark on some sapphic reading, and perhaps find new authors and categories then go take a look. There are many levels of badges, for all levels of readers.

I finished my first book The Queen’s Blade by Natasha Rose and am almost half way through Hotel Queens by Lee Winter. Both books are featured on the Les Fiction Book Club Facebook group this month. There will be author interviews, Q&A’s, and discussion at the end of the month. I’m also hoping to get some quick video reviews done as well.

Writing:
I finished my first full draft rewrite of Gargoyles, a dystopian novella I’m hoping to submit to a publisher by the end of February.
I’ve almost finished my last read through of The Void for the Publishers deadline of the end of the month.
I have also, with the help of my lovely partner, set up a writing space in our office. It’s so pretty and exciting.

New writing space .. Not yet finished but well on its way

So I hope you are all staying safe, and I’d love to hear if you’re doing any reading challenges this year, or any other challenges you are embarking on in 2021.

Be safe
Be brave
Be kind

Posted in Life Adventures

Gratitude and New Year Post

While sometimes I push against posts that seem to be ‘obligatory’ I’ve always appreciated the gratitude and fresh start posts of the New year.

While I doubt anyone can deny that 2020 was indeed a dumpster fire of a year, I am well aware of how lucky I am and have been throughout the year. Yes, bad stuff happened. Yes, I ended up in tears, Yes, my anxiety spiked. Yes, I could focus on all the bad stuff. But I don’t want to focus solely on that. I want to make sure I remember the things I have smiled about, the happy tears, the connections I’ve made, and the overcoming of real hurdles – emotional, physical, psychological .. the whole shebang.

  • To my family – extended, immediate, blood, and beyond blood – thank you so much for all the love and support you have given me this year. To the help you have all so willingly offered; to pursue my dreams, to have a break, to remind me what I am already doing, when I let those dreaded ‘I can’t do this’ words slip from my lips.
  • To my writing tribes (many of you who have also become family) thank you so much for sharing your knowledge, skills, life, and writing lessons with such generosity and kindness.

This New Year coming is already looking to be a big one, which is both a little overwhelming and a lot exciting. After 6 months of pneumonia this past past, I am also focusing on positive health for the new year … fingers crossed.
I have 8 writing projects planned so far for 20201 – all at different stages, some small and others rather larger. I’m excited about each and everyone of them and while it seems like a lot (it is), with the help of my ever patient and supportive partner we have started renovating the office and taking my writing career to an excitingly serious level.

There are some priority goals I want to work on for next year, not so much with an end line but a progress and improvement for myself.

  • Improving my writers craft – this is an eternal goal. I never want to stop working on this craft. There is always something more to learn, something I can improve on.
  • Braving videos with more ease and comfort. In 2020 I did less than a handful but I am proud of having done any … all live videos – 2 author chats, and one book review … which leads me to the third goal ….
  • Becoming a more detailed and confident book reviewer (and doing regular video reviews)

Be Safe
Be Brave
Be Kind